Henny Youngman (Diane)

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 a.m. this morning, can you believe that...... 2:30 a.m.? Lucky for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a differnt creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "you're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I moved.